Mi Amor X

To even begin expressing my deep love towards my boyfriend and what our relationship has taught, offered, and provided me with, I will have to start by admitting how difficult of a partner I can be (which I know he would deny and just call me the good kind of crazy). Nobody really tells you just how challenging relationships can be, you have to release your own grip on having things exactly the way you like it in exchange for a healthy relationship. I absolutely love being independent, along with having things exactly the way I want them to be. But I have also never loved another person as much as I do now, I have never felt so close to a person, and I absolutely 100% have never wanted to spend as much time with someone as I do him. Where I can become difficult is when I feel like my independence is being taken away (this thought comes from no actions of his at all BTW… emphasis on me being difficult) but him and this relationship have allowed me to discover that nothing is being taken from me, instead I have gained a love that I couldn’t have ever dreamt of. You always hear people say “I am so glad he puts up with me”, but not only does he “put up with me”, he has lead me through moments that I was unsure of how to navigate myself, he has taken on direction and held my hand to follow him when I have felt lost, overwhelmed, or stuck. To say he has taken the obstacles I have given and handled them with grace wouldn’t do it justice. 

Before we started seeing each other, I had a short and shallow list of what I wanted in my next partner. To be honest, I am not sure if the things I cared about at this time were because of my past relationships, or what I thought could just make my life easier, but I wanted someone who made a good amount of money and was really athletic (I am actually laughing in shame to have now written that openly). I think I just gave up on trying to find a really solid, deep and foundational connection, I just didn’t think that was going to happen anymore, so I wanted what would make my life easier. When I met my boyfriend, I wouldn’t say he wasn’t or didn’t have these things, but it wasn’t to the tier I wanted, and I will again admit, it bothered me at first. I was so stuck in wanting someone who had these things, not who they were, not what kind of connection we would have. He didn’t have a big fancy job, he didn’t drive a nice car, he didn’t take me out for expensive dinners, but what I got instead was hikes to waterfalls, picnics in the most breathtaking spots that he chose, real conversations, ones with depth, ones that I still think about, we bonded over playing pool and card games, we cooked dinners together, we sat in parks talking for 6-7 hours without even realizing how much time had passed. It was these moments that I felt like the luckiest person in the whole goddamn world, because I knew I had found a very real, rare, grounding, true love. My true love.

Suddenly, I forgot what I had seemed to care so much about, and I realized that when you put the kind of person you want on paper, you miss the opportunity for life changing love that could be passing by you in real time. It turns out he is everything that the real and honest me, could have ever wanted. It sincerely is nothing I ever could have put on a list, because there are no words to describe it. This relationship has taught me none of that shit matters when you are in the company of real love.

My love for him grows every single day, even when we disagree, especially when we disagree, because it means we both feel comfortable enough to express how we feel, knowing that we can communicate and come out better on the other side. It reassures me that we stand on exceptionally solid ground, we respect and love each other above anything else, we work together, not apart. My love grows not from a nice dinner out, or because he were to buy me something, it grows from a conversation on our couch, it grows when I learn about something from his childhood, or what made him laugh that day. It will never stop growing, because I know we will never stop being us at our core, there will always be a couch to share, and stories to tell, and laughs to be had. 

This relationship has provided me with so many breakthroughs, ones that pushed me to open up my gaze and my perspective on life, and more importantly, on love. It is the purest, realest form of love, one that I secretly longed for but never believed in. It feels so accepting. He has opened me up to blossom in so many different directions, always supportive and never judgemental. 

My gift to him for all of the rest of his birthdays is to smother him with the unwavering, accepting, and comforting love he has never stopped giving me. 

Happy birthday mi amor, I love you so freaking much xxx.